Supporting a Friend Through Cancer
And all the other ugly things in life
Welcome to On the Other Side by Robin Allison Davis! This newsletter features anecdotes, resources, musings, and more from Robin, a two-time breast cancer survivor and an American expat living in Paris. Robin is navigating life not only on the other side of her cancer journey but also on the other side of the Atlantic.
A couple of weeks ago, I posted an article from the New York Times on Threads titled “Cancer’s New Face: Younger and Female.”
“Six of the 10 most common cancers are on the rise, including cancers of the breast and the uterus. Also increasing are colorectal cancers among people under 65, as well as prostate cancer, melanoma and pancreatic cancer.” - NYT
The article came as no surprise to me - at 34, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was often the youngest person in the waiting room. The same was true when I was diagnosed with a recurrence at 36.
“Breast cancer rates have also been inching up for many years, increasing by about 1 percent a year between 2012 and 2021. The sharpest rise has been seen in women under 50, and there have been steep increases among Hispanic American, Asian American and Pacific Islander women.” - NYT
I’ve reluctantly become an unofficial breast cancer ambassador - to be expected when you go through it twice and then publish a book about it!
It’s a role I have many feelings about - where would I be if someone hadn’t been around to guide me? But asking for guidance and support also asks me to revisit the darkest periods of my life. Additionally, cancer does not define me and never will. I am more than my past health challenges. Breast cancer is a heavy but important topic - but if ten years from now, people only want to talk to me about breast cancer, then I’ve failed at something in my life.
I digress.
The point is that while cancer diagnoses go up and the age of cancer patients goes down, people are having hard conversations with their friends about their health. Telling someone you have cancer is not easy - it’s often something that the person has had to prepare themselves to do. So, what should your response be? How can you show up for this person? What should you NOT do?
Inspired by a conversation with a friend who recently shared her diagnosis with me, here’s your guide to caring for those affected by cancer. This is the first in a series of cancer-related resources I’ll share here. Bookmark it, tab it, share it, do all of the things.
Save your tears for your private time
A diagnosis is sad; of course, it is! But do your best to hold back the waterworks. It probably took a lot for your friend to verbalize their diagnosis to you - it’s not a subject taken lightly. Preparing to tell someone about scary news you’ve received is no fun. When I told one of my friends in 2018 that I had breast cancer, she immediately called me, crying hysterically. It was shocking for me, and I immediately felt horrible. I jumped to comfort her, and the situation became more about her than it did about me. With everything that happens surrounding a cancer diagnosis, you don’t need to feel poorly about making your friends and family sad or exert all your energy into cheering them up.
Don’t ask why
People love to ask why you got cancer. Does the why matter? What does the “why” do for your friend at this moment? I’ll tell you the reasoning behind the “why” - to figure out how they can avoid the same fate. It’s a self-centered question and one that doesn’t benefit the responder. Would it make you feel better if you asked why, they said, “Oh I’m certain it’s from that time I stayed overnight in a nuclear reactor.” Unless there’s a strong possibility that’s the answer, just don’t ask it.
Ask questions, but listen
Despite saying not to ask why, do ask questions. To quote the popular TikTok phrase, “We listen and we don’t judge.” Be a listening ear, a safe harbor in this time of storm. But not asking why and not judging doesn’t mean not to ask questions. When I told people about my diagnosis, and they literally had no follow-up questions or comments, I wondered if they even heard me right or if they cared. Being the friend that doesn’t engage on the topic and acts like everything is 100% normal isn’t the flex people think it is. You can ask questions like:
How are you feeling about it? How are you feeling physically?
What are the next steps/treatment plan?
How can I help?
Do you want to talk about it?
Don’t go full Spanish Inquisition, but be engaged. Be present. Be interested.
Don’t put your foot in your mouth - avoid these
It’s easy to put your foot in your mouth when you’re given shocking news. I’m here to help with a list of what not to say (and why):
It’s one of the good cancers!
(It’s never good to have cancer, and just because it may not be stage 4 or even stage 2 doesn’t make it a good cancer. Not helpful!)
At least you’re getting a boob job!
(This should be self-explanatory - if someone has breast cancer, getting a boob job is not the highlight of the experience.)
Just stay positive; it’ll be alright/Everything happens for a reason.
My friend/cousin/neighbor/pastor had that cancer…they passed away.
(This should be self-explanatory! You’d be surprised how many breast cancer death stories are told to me.)
I heard about this alkaline water/manuka honey/essential oils/green juice/etc that will cure cancer!
Mileage will vary on this, but see where your friend is mentally before offering alternative treatments. For me, these were very unwelcome comments, as I chose to follow my doctors’ medical advice. It was stressful to explain multiple times why I didn’t want to take the alternative treatments others suggested. They also gave me the impression that my health discussion with a loved one now made me subject to an MLM pitch.
Offer to help, but be specific.
Your friend might be overwhelmed - broad questions like “How can I help” (posted above) could be too much for them. Ask that question if you know you can help in some way. Can you bring them food? Start a Mealtrain for them? Transport them to chemo? Send them a care package? If you can’t help, there are still ways to show support. Some friends couldn’t commit to helping and kept my spirits high by sending jokes, memes, and other things they knew I would enjoy (I recommend The Cancer Patient IG account - it’s hilarious if you’ve been through it).
For more info on helping a loved one through a cancer diagnosis, check out these links:
How to Be a Friend to Someone with Cancer
Best and Worst Ways to Help Someone with a Serious Illness
How to Support Someone with Cancer
What to Know This Month
+ Happy Black History Month to all of my Americans! Did you know that Black History Month in the UK is in October? Fun fact I learned once I moved abroad. Click here for more on how their month came about.
+ La Chandeleur, known as Candlemass in English, is a widely celebrated holiday in France on February 2nd. Forty days after Christmas, the French celebrate La Chandeleur by eating crêpes! Why? Read more about the holiday and the reason behind all the crêpe eating here.
What to Read This Month
+ Shannon Luders-Manuel’s debut book, The One Who Loves You: A Memoir of Growing Up Biracial in a Black and White, will be available everywhere on February 11th. Read her moving book on growing up biracial in California and caring for her estranged father on his deathbed.
What to Do This Month
+ Are you a BIPOC female writer? If so, you may be interested in joining the writing community, The Sanctuary. They’re open for new members this month - something that only happens three times a year! It’s worth it if you want to get your work out into the world, especially via traditional publishing. Check it out here.
+ Self-care, self-care, self-care! January felt like an entire year with the barrage of news - mostly bad. There’s a lot going on in the world right now, so it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. Book a massage, go on more long walks, take up a meditation habit (I’ve started!), start baking, or do whatever works!
This is helpful. It's very hard to find the right things to say, especially when you're working through the shock and devastation of the news.
Robin -
Thank you for sharing your story about having to face these health challenges.
I also appreciate the resource articles and materials regarding how to help and encourage a family member, a neighbor or a friend who is facing a critical illness.